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Published: 01/11/04
Fergie Won't Let it Lie (You wouldn't let it lie...)
Alex Ferguson just won't let it go, and he's now looking at bringing deadlyDennis Bergkamp to book, citing a supposed stamp onAlan Smith as violent conduct, as he looks to compile the dossier of doom, telling tales to the FA.

Apart from the fact that any incidents need to be reported to the FA within 48 hours, Fergie continues to make an even bigger twat of himself (if that's possible) - his latest foolish actions are being laughed at by referees, especially former Premiership referee Jeff Winter: "TheDennis Bergkamp andThierry Henry incidents were right in front of the referee and certainly don't warrant any further action, it is clearThierry Henry did not mean to hit Heinze while the Bergkamp-Smith incident was nothing..."

He added: "... completely different compared to Ruud van Nistelrooy's challenge on Ashley Cole. That was evil..."

According to our source in the FA, there' s already a secret cupboard full of DVDs just with Ruud van Nistelrooy's incessant cheating. This cupboard was labelled Ruud van Nistelrooy Cheating - A-C. We asked our mole if this meant the DVDs were of Ruud's cheating against opponents beginning with the letter A to opponents beginning with the letter 'C' and he said: "No, this is just the bad tackles and dives of Ruud against Ashley Cole, there's another 783 offices and cupboards..."

Ferguson Spots Another...
That whinging, moaning, incontinent alcoholic has-been Alex Ferguson has reported yet anotherArsenal vman united incident to the FA, making it 46 this week, and its only Monday. While watching a video of a game which took place over 183 years ago, before football was even invented, he spotted that Charlie Charles of Arsenal purposely pushed over Nathaniel Horse-Face-Smythe and he wants revenge. He wants the players' bodies both exhumed and checked for bruising, he reckons Charlie Charles is bound to have some human skin under his finger nails despite being 103 when he died, and Horse-Face-Smythe will be 'showing signs of bruising by now'.

The FA are apparently becoming increasingly annoyed with his transparent 'deflection' tatics which always seem to follow and embarassing defeat and told  red faced Alex (whats new?) that he's a mental, and to 'jog on'...

Alex is now said to be looking into an alledged fossil where archeologists reckon that a red looking dinosaur apparently tripped a Horsefaceosaur. "I want it sorted..." claims the cheating Jock fecker...

Dennis Praises Van Persie...
DirtyDennis Bergkamp (see above) has heaped praise on his young International stable mate (no need for any Ruud jokes here) Robin van Persie. Van Persie came of the bench to score a late equaliser againstSouthampton on Saturday, and almost grabbed a winner just seconds later, Dennis was understandably impressed: "He is a very skilful player and has showed that on two occasions now over the last week. He has put in a lot of hard work and has been patient. He is a player who can make a difference to this Arsenal team. That is a big plus for us. It seems all of these players, they come on and make a difference. I think he has a big future. He has a lot of skills. He will learn over the next few years and become a big player..."

TJ Hooker is back readers, part two of his Russian story...

Pires "Title Harder thanChampions League..."
Ahead of our game against Panathinaikos on Tuesday (live on ITV1), Sir Robert Pires has said he reckons its harder to win the Premier League than theChampions variety: "In my mind, winning the Premier League is a far greater achievement than lifting theChampions League, maybe theChampions League is more prestigious, but I believe the domestic league is the more accurate measure of the strength of a team. This is especially true inEngland , where the league is a physical challenge. You have to be on top of your game week in week out over 10 months..."

Ladies Through to Semi-Finals...
TheArsenal Ladies team staged an impressive comeback against those Italian Ladies Giants (not literally) Torres Terra Stada... Full story here...

Palace Sold Out (not in a man united way)...
Crystal Palace away is now sold out according to Arsenal.com, and let's face it, they wouldn't tell lies, even if we do...

Ruud's Diary Updated - Portsmouth Reaction...

The End. We're relying on the picture to make it look more than it is today readers. At least we're honest, eh?! Ta ta for now!

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