Dear Ruud...

On this page of me site, I will try to reply to all of your dilemma's whether football related or otherwise. Please email me with your problems and I will try to answer your probing questions.

The first entry from my nose bag goes a little something like this:

Dear Ruud,

I was just wondering when it was acceptable in the modern game to take drugs...? I recently took some drugs to improve my performance against a big English side, and didn't realise that the FA Drug Testing Unit was around.

Thing was, I did my revision for the test and revised and everything, all about skinning up, jacking up, E's, uppers and downers, I even watched Trainspotting but as as soon as I read they would take the piss out of me, I legged it and got off sharpish (I even told them I was moving house, although I went shopping!). Now, as you probably already now, I am in all sorts of trouble and need your advice.

Thanks Ruud,

Leo.

RUUD REPLIES:

Dear 'Leo',

Thanks for your letter, maybe next time you should try writing in pen, those crayon's are hard to read, and although you did well to disguise your identity and sign your letter Leo, perhaps next time you shouldn't use your club's headed note paper, it's a bit of a giveaway - and there's probably nothing to be gained by including a signed photo either.

Anyway, don't worry too much about this, judging by your headed notepaper, the team you play for have a special deal with the FA. Whenever anything happens involving a player from our, sorry this team they always go easy on us, I mean them, and then say they will stamp down on this kind of thing in the future - we've been getting away with it for years...! It's a great system that the FA are working on in conjunction with an old Scottish friend of yours and mine, so you'll be ok, just be more careful in the future...

Good luck with the fine.

Ruud.

Dear Ruud,

The new FIFA 2004 is brilliant. Improved graphics and lifelike player’s features. It’s really authentic. However I will have to return my copy as it appears to have developed a fault.

Every time the ball heads in your direction you seem to fall over. The other thing is whenever Utd play Arsenal Vieira is always sent off, a mass brawl seems to break out and my controller just vibrates uncontrollably. This never seems to happen with any of the other teams and the FIFA 2004 helpdesk tell me they have not programmed the players to brawl. Is this a fault with the game? Do I need to return it to the shop? I notice one of the game settings is DISABLE CHEATING BASTARD. Will activating this option fix the problem?

Billy Consumer.

RUUD REPLIES:

Dear Billy,

Thanks for your letter.

No that function only disables Paul Scholes, Solksjaer and Ronaldo, you need to check the 'Disable Dutch, diving bastard'. That will do it - what that does is means I don't get to take penalties, so I never actually score a goal.

Hope this helps and happy playing.

Ruud.

Dear Ruud,

My name is Timothy and I'm your biggest fan. You score great goals and my Dad says you are a real professional and sportsman. I need some advice. I am very unhappy at my school because I'm not as clever as the other children and it makes me sad. I've got exams coming up and I am going to fail again. What can I do?

Your biggest fan, Timothy

RUUD REPLIES:

Dear Timothy,

Thanks for your letter. It doesn't matter if you're not as clever as your classmates. Why not steal a clever boy's work and hand it in as your own? That's what I used to do at school.

Not only will you get top marks but the other boy might get suspended from school for not doing his homework. What a result...! This may make you unpopular but that doesn't matter. Remember, when the teacher shouts at the other boy for not doing his work you should laugh in his face and run away as fast as you can.

Totally unrelated, perhaps even gratiutous, but I remember this one time at school, when everyone was off sick from my teacher Mr Patrick's Geogrpahy lesson, I wandered past and shouted to him 'you have no class...' - how he laughed as he chased me round the school - I was too fast for him though, you know what they say, four legs are better than two, pesky humans.

Hope this helps,

Uncle Ruud.

Dear Ruud,

Whilst watching a recent Man u match my wife was hoovering up the front room, when she nudged the television the cheating twat fell over..

PC, A Man City Fan.

RUUD REPLIES:

That's a blatent lie, I was pushed by your Missus, and I told the ref just that.

Uncle Ruud.

Dear Ruud,

Why the long face?

E. Davids.

RUUD REPLIES:

Grrr...